Reading Between the Lines: What Your Spouse Is Really Saying

Even when two people deeply love each other, poor communication can drive a wedge between them. Tension builds, connections fray, and over time, resentment takes root. And we know what often follows resentment: thoughts of separation and divorce. It may sound extreme, but as a therapist who specializes in working with couples on the brink, I see this cycle unfold far too often.

I sit with these couples, my eyes and ears tuned to their stories, catching all the moments where their love tried—but failed—to break through. A wife’s criticism, sharp and stinging, masks a deeper plea: Notice me. Hear me. I need you. But her husband hears only the harshness, the blame, and responds defensively: I’m doing the best I can. Why is it never enough? His response, filtered through her pain, lands as apathy: He doesn’t care about me or my needs.

And so, the cycle begins. She shuts down to protect herself. He withdraws, feeling rejected. What started as a plea for connection becomes a chasm between them. A missed message. A missed opportunity.

The Weight of What’s Unspoken

Communication in relationships isn’t just about words; it’s about intentions, emotions, and the vulnerability beneath the surface. There’s a sender and a receiver, but too often, the receiver misses the message, buried under the weight of defensiveness or hurt feelings.

Think back to the last argument with your spouse, the one that left you both simmering in silence. Ask yourself: What were they really trying to tell me? Was their criticism truly about the dishes left in the sink, or was it about feeling unsupported in the chaos of daily life?

Here’s the thing: in marriage, as in life, we are responsible not just for speaking clearly, but for listening deeply. It’s not enough to hear the words—we must seek the meaning behind them.

The Receiver’s Responsibility

I believe the receiver bears as much responsibility as the sender in any conversation. When your spouse speaks, even imperfectly, it is your role to lean in, to ask: What are you really saying? To read between the lines and listen for the unspoken fears, needs, and desires.

Does that sound like a tall order? It is. But relationships are built on effort, and listening is one of the most powerful ways we can show love.

Breaking the Cycle

Marriages rarely crumble overnight. It’s the small, unnoticed moments—the missed connections, the unresolved hurts, the repeated cycles of miscommunication—that erode the foundation. But here’s the good news: cycles can be broken.

Start by surveying your own communication patterns. Think about the moments that didn’t go well. What was your spouse trying to tell you? What message did you miss because of your own defensiveness or emotional reaction?

Then, practice curiosity. Instead of reacting, ask: Can you help me understand what you mean? This simple question has the power to disarm defensiveness and invite connection.

In Closing Out, I’ll Say This

Poor communication alone doesn’t end marriages, but it can be the spark that ignites a vicious cycle. The good news is that by slowing down, seeking understanding, and listening with intention, you can begin to rewrite that cycle.

Every conversation is an opportunity to connect, to understand, to love. Don’t let those opportunities slip through your fingers.

Sincerely,

Sileta Bell, MFT

Interested in working one on one with Sileta Bell? Schedule a Free Consultation.