On the Brink of Divorce, but Still Want to Stay Together? Exploring Stay Together Mediation™

One of the reasons I am so passionate about couples therapy is that I often meet couples at a moment when the question hanging quietly between them is whether their relationship can still be saved. They sit across from me on the couch or appear in separate squares on a screen, and the emotional distance between them is often unmistakable. Sometimes they barely look at each other. Sometimes their pain fills the room before either of them has said very much at all. These are often couples who have been fighting about the same issues for years, carrying disappointments that have slowly worn down trust, and trying, more than once, to make changes that never seemed to last. By the time they come to therapy, one or both may already be wondering whether separation or divorce is where this story is heading.

Yet, something I find particularly interesting is that even when couples are contemplating separation or divorce, they have not always given up on the relationship. Sometimes, what they have given up on is the belief that things can be different. They may still love one another, value their history together, and hope for a future, but struggle to imagine what that future could realistically look like.

This is an area of couples work that has fascinated me for years. As both a couples therapist and a trained mediator, I have become increasingly interested in what happens when we bring principles of conflict resolution into the therapeutic work of helping couples navigate serious relational distress.

More recently, that interest has led me to begin developing an approach I call Stay Together Mediation™.

What Research Tells Us About Couples Considering Divorce

One of the things that has shaped my thinking is the growing body of research examining divorce ideation, or the thoughts people have about ending their marriages. We sometimes assume that once someone begins seriously considering divorce, they have already started moving toward that decision. Research suggests that the process can be much less predictable.

In a national study involving 3,000 married individuals, Hawkins et al. (2017) examined how thoughts about divorce changed over a one-year period. Interestingly, 31% of participants who were considering divorce at the beginning of the study were no longer contemplating it one year later.

Studies exploring divorce ideation and reconciliation have stood out to me because they challenge the assumption that contemplating divorce necessarily reflects a settled decision. Of course, a change in someone's thoughts about divorce does not automatically mean their marriage has improved or that reconciliation has occurred. However, it does raise important questions about what happens during that period of uncertainty, what contributes to a change in perspective, and whether couples have opportunities to meaningfully address the circumstances that led them to consider divorce in the first place.

Another study by Doherty et al. (2016) examined 100 couples participating in discernment counseling, an approach developed to help partners who have different agendas about the future of their marriage. The researchers found that 47% chose to pursue reconciliation through couples therapy. The study did not establish that all these couples ultimately reconciled, but it demonstrated that a substantial proportion were willing to explore that possibility.

As a therapist and conflict researcher, these findings interest me because they highlight an area that deserves continued attention. When couples are unsure about the future of their relationship, what kinds of conversations, experiences, and interventions might help them make informed decisions about staying together?

Why Couples Mediation Has Influenced My Approach to Therapy

My professional work spans both couples therapy and family mediation, and I have found that each discipline has influenced how I think about relational conflict.

In couples therapy, I pay close attention to the emotional experiences beneath conflict, the patterns that keep partners disconnected, and the injuries that may need acknowledgment and repair. My clinical training, including Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method, informs much of this work.

Mediation brings another perspective. When people are in conflict, mediation invites them to identify what matters to each person, examine the issues that have kept them at an impasse, and consider what they are willing to do to move forward. The process places considerable emphasis on self-determination, negotiation, and developing mutually acceptable agreements. I have often wondered how these principles might further support couples who want their relationship to continue.

For instance, a couple might spend considerable time discussing how hurt they have been by one another, and those conversations may be necessary. Yet, there may come a point when both partners begin asking what would actually need to change for them to feel confident about continuing the relationship. One partner might need greater emotional responsiveness, while the other needs a different approach to managing disagreements. Both may recognize what is needed but struggle to translate that understanding into consistent action.

This is where I find the relationship between mediation and therapy particularly interesting. The ability to understand one another emotionally and the ability to negotiate expectations, responsibilities, and changes can complement each other in meaningful ways.

Exploring Stay Together Mediation™

Stay Together Mediation™ is a developing couples mediation approach intended for partners experiencing persistent relational conflict who share a voluntary hope of remaining together, even when their confidence in the relationship differs.

At the heart of this approach is a question I believe deserves careful consideration:

“If we are going to stay together, what would it take to make this relationship workable?”

I find this question powerful because it invites both partners to examine what they need, what they are willing to contribute, and what changes they believe would make a meaningful difference. It also creates room for difficult conversations about expectations, boundaries, accountability, and commitment.

One partner may feel that rebuilding trust is possible only if certain behaviors change. The other may agree that change is necessary but have concerns about what is being requested or whether they can reasonably sustain it. These differences require careful exploration. Agreement reached in a conversation is only one part of the process. Couples also need opportunities to experience and evaluate whether the changes they are discussing are becoming part of how they relate to one another.

An important aspect of Stay Together Mediation™ is recognizing that the desire to remain together does not necessarily come with equal confidence. Both partners may hope the relationship survives while having very different beliefs about whether reconciliation is possible. That uncertainty deserves attention throughout the process.

As I continue developing the approach, I am particularly interested in the role of emotional safety, conflict de-escalation, discernment, negotiated commitments, and experiential practice in supporting sustainable relational change.

There is also an important ethical consideration that I must speak to here: A shared desire to stay together must remain voluntary, and any reconciliation-oriented process needs to account for situations involving abuse, coercion, or unsafe relational dynamics. Neither mediation nor therapy should pressure someone to remain in a relationship that is harmful to them.

Stay Together Mediation™ remains in development, and its effectiveness has not yet been established through empirical research. My interest is in continuing to examine its conceptual foundations, potential applications, and the questions that should guide its future study.

What This Means for My Work as a Couples Therapist

Although Stay Together Mediation™ originates within couples mediation, I see opportunities for its principles to inform my clinical work with couples who are considering separation or divorce.

I often tell couples that I cannot make their relationship work for them. I can help them recognize patterns they may not fully understand, facilitate conversations that have become difficult to have on their own, and support them as they develop new ways of responding to one another. Ultimately, both partners must decide what they are willing to do with what they discover.

This also requires me, as the therapist, to remain mindful of my own position. When a couple comes into therapy hoping to reconcile, I can support them in exploring that goal without becoming personally invested in a particular outcome. My responsibility is to provide a clinically appropriate process in which both partners can speak honestly, examine their contributions, and make informed decisions about their future.

I am particularly interested in what happens after couples begin to understand their problems more clearly. What does meaningful change look like in their everyday interactions? How do they negotiate expectations when their needs seem incompatible? How can they evaluate whether the relationship is becoming healthier and more workable over time? These questions are part of what continues to drive both my clinical work and my research interests.

When You Want to Stay Together but Don't Know How

If you and your partner have been considering divorce but still hope your relationship can improve, I would encourage you to think carefully about what staying together would require from each of you.

Sometimes couples know they are unhappy but have difficulty identifying the specific changes that would make their relationship feel more secure, respectful, or fulfilling. Other times, they have discussed those changes repeatedly but have struggled to follow through.

Couples therapy can provide a structured environment to examine these concerns, understand the patterns contributing to distress, and explore whether both partners are willing to participate in the work of repairing the relationship. For some couples, this exploration may lead toward reconciliation. For others, it may bring greater clarity about separation.

My interest in Stay Together Mediation™ grows from a question I continue to return to in my work: What might become possible when couples are given the opportunity to examine, negotiate, and experience the changes necessary for a different future together?

It is a question I intend to keep exploring.

At Bell Family Therapy, I work with couples across Texas who are navigating persistent conflict, relationship uncertainty, and difficult decisions about their future together. If you are considering couples therapy or wondering whether your marriage can improve, I welcome the opportunity to learn more about your circumstances and explore how therapy might support you and your partner.

 You and your partner on the brink of separation or divorce and wondering if there's help out there for you? Interested in scheduling a Free Consultation?

More on Couples Therapist, Sileta Bell

Sileta Bell is a marriage and family therapist associate, trained mediator, and doctoral researcher specializing in high-conflict relational dynamics. Her clinical and mediation work focuses on helping couples navigate persistent conflict, relationship uncertainty, and decisions about separation or divorce.

She also works extensively with co-parents navigating conflict following separation and families experiencing relational breakdown, including estrangement between parents and their adult children.

Sileta is currently pursuing her PhD in Conflict Analysis and Resolution at Nova Southeastern University and preparing to enter the dissertation phase of her doctoral studies.

Her research interests include reconciliation, relational conflict, and the integration of mediation principles into couples therapy. As part of her ongoing scholarly work, she is developing Stay Together Mediation™, an emerging couples mediation model designed to help partners explore what would be required to make their relationship workable and support sustainable relational change.

Through Bell Family Therapy, Sileta provides couples therapy to clients throughout Texas. Her couples and family mediation services are available to clients nationally and internationally, subject to applicable professional and jurisdictional requirements.

Sileta practices marriage and family therapy as an associate under the supervision of Dr. Meghan Williams, LMFT-S.

References

Hawkins, A. J., Galovan, A. M., Harris, S. M., Allen, S. E., Allen, S. M., Roberts, K. M., & Schramm, D. G. (2017). What are they thinking? A national study of stability and change in divorce ideation. Family Process, 56(4), 852–868. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12299

Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for “mixed-agenda” couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246–255. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12132