When Couples Are in Different Stages of Change
One of the things I pay attention to early on in couples therapy is when two people walk into my therapy room side by side but are in very different places in their heart and mind when it comes to change. The Stages of Change model developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente gives us a helpful way of understanding this. The model describes change as a process that can include pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. In couples therapy, recognizing where each partner is within that process can shape how we approach the work.
A Mismatch in Readiness for Change in Couples Work
A mismatch in readiness for change can become especially visible when one partner is in pre-contemplation stage, for instance, (where there is no intention on changing the behavior) while the other is already in the preparation stage (where the person is intent on taking action to correct the problem). The partner in preparation may have been reading books, researching couples therapy, thinking about boundaries, or identifying specific changes they want to make.
Meanwhile, the partner in pre-contemplation may not believe there is a significant problem, may see their spouse as the primary source of the conflict, or may have agreed to therapy simply because their partner insisted. When these two positions meet, frustration can build quickly. One person is ready to move forward while the other is still deciding whether movement is necessary.
The Early Stage of Couples Therapy – A Change Perspective
As a marriage and family therapist, I recognize that this is where the early work of couples therapy becomes especially important. Moving someone toward change does not begin with pushing them into action. We may first need to understand how they make sense of the relationship, what they believe is happening, what they fear changing, and what the current pattern may be protecting them from.
Curiosity can create space for contemplation. Over time, a partner may begin recognizing patterns, considering their own role, and identifying what they would like to experience differently.
Change Readiness Can Depend on the Issue
Readiness can also vary by issue. A husband or wife may be prepared to work on communication while remaining less ready to examine defensiveness, betrayal, substance use, emotional withdrawal, finances, or another area of conflict. For practitioners working with high-conflict couples, this is an important clinical consideration because labeling someone as simply “unmotivated” can cause us to miss the areas where change has already begun.
Confidence and Emotional Safety in Couples Therapy
Confidence and emotional safety also influence progress. As couples begin having conversations differently, experiencing small moments of repair, and seeing that vulnerability does not always lead to attacks or rejection, their confidence in the change process can grow. Each successful interaction gives the couple evidence that another way of relating may be possible. This is where we start moving along the change cycle – beyond preparation and on to action, and eventually, onto maintenance.
Identifying the Starting Point is Important
As practitioners, couples therapy requires us to pay attention to more than where the couple wants to go. We also have to understand where each person is starting. When we meet partners at their current stage of change, we can help them build the awareness, safety, confidence, and skills necessary to move forward together.
About Sileta Bell
Sileta Bell is a couples therapist and Marriage and Family Therapist Associate specializing in high-conflict relationships, relationship distress, betrayal, discernment, and couples considering divorce. She is advanced trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and integrates systemic and conflict-resolution perspectives into her work with couples. Sileta provides therapy throughout Texas through Bell Family Therapy and serves clients across the Dallas Metroplex. Searching for a couples therapist near you?
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