Co-Parents, Why Can’t We Just Get Along?

Seriously, let’s talk about this. Your marriage or relationship ended. Maybe it ended abruptly, or maybe it was a long time coming and you both simply ran out of road. But here you are, on the other side of a breakup or a divorce, trying to figure out what it means to raise a child with someone you no longer share a life with. It’s strange terrain — two people redSileta Bell, MMFT, PhD researcher and founder of Bell Family Therapy, specializing in post-divorce conflict and coparenting therapyefining a relationship that didn’t work, while trying to build one that absolutely has to work. And yet, this is the moment that matters most.

Coparenting Therapy with Bell Family Therapy

I remind the coparents I work with all that time that just because your marriage or relationship has ended, you are still a family; only that the structure of the family has changed. 

For many children, the way their parents handle this new transition determines how they will be able to adjust. Recent studies tell us that parent separation and divorce increase the risk of adjustment problems for children and adolescents (D'Onofrio & Emery, 2019).  

Exploring this on a deeper level would force us to admit that children often struggle with divorce not because two adults decided to uncouple, but because the adults often don’t know how to move forward without dragging the chaos of the past relationship along with them.

As a post-divorce conflict researcher and couple’s therapist, I’ve sat across many parents who tell themselves, I want to do what’s best for my child, and that’s why I am here. Some are barely speaking. Some are angry. Some are exhausted. While it would be nice, the coparenting relationship doesn’t require friendship. It doesn’t require trust to magically refill itself. It simply requires two adults agreeing to be civil for the sake of the child they both love.

Research continues to show why this matters: One integrated analysis notes that coparenting is a key mechanism predicting a child’s mental health after divorce, and professionals in pediatrics and psychology are encouraged to consider coparenting quality when assessing kids’ well-being (Lamela & Figueiredo, 2016).  In other words, how parents treat each other after a breakup is not just a detail — it’s a protective factor.

As I said in different words earlier, getting along does not mean you have to like each other. Some parents think peaceful coparenting requires an emotional reunion or mutual forgiveness, but really it starts much smaller. It’s the decision to communicate without attacking. It’s choosing predictable routines. It’s sharing information about school, health, and schedules without turning every exchange into a history lesson of past hurts. It’s remembering that the child shouldn’t feel the tremor of every lingering tension.

Rebuilding in the rubble of a hard ending might feel impossible. But I’ve watched people do it — even parties who couldn’t be in the same room when they first started. The shift happens when they realize that their relationship didn’t end; it transformed. They moved from romantic partners to logistical partners, from spouses to teammates whose shared mission is raising a child who feels loved and supported in both homes.

Children don’t need perfection. They just need to know that the two most important adults in their world can show up without chaos. When parents get this part right, kids breathe easier. They adjust better. They thrive.

Coparents, I’ll close by saying this: For all of the reasons you can find to not get along, I hope you can find more reasons why you should. While the divorce might have been about both of all of the things that went wrong with your romantic life, coparenting is something different. It is not about you. Instead, it is all about the children.  And the sooner you understand this, the better.

Currently working to improve your coparenting relationship?

I hope you found this article helpful.

About the Author

Sileta Bell, MMFT, is a PhD researcher studying post-divorce conflict and how families can move through rupture toward stability and repair. She is the Founder and Director of Bell Family Therapy, a Dallas-based therapy practice offering co-parenting therapy, conscious uncoupling, and high-conflict couples therapy. She is also a Divorce Mediator and Founder of Georgia Family Mediation. Her work is guided by a central belief: peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to navigate it with care, clarity, and intention—so families can move forward with dignity, even in the midst of change.

Interested in working with Sileta? Schedule a consultation here.

References

D'Onofrio, B., & Emery, R. (2019). Parental divorce or separation and children's mental

health. World psychiatry : official journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA), 18(1), 100–101. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20590

Lamela, D., Figueiredo, B., (2016). Coparenting after marital dissolution and children’s mental health: a systematic review. Science Direct. Jornal de Pediatria. Vol. 92. Issue 4.