What Makes a Relationship or Marriage High Conflict—and When to Seek a Specialist?

Conflict is normal. It is part of every long-term relationship. When couples come into my therapy room, one of the first things I teach is conflict management—not conflict avoidance. Learning how to listen empathically, attend to your partner’s needs, offer validation, and recognize bids for connection can be transformative. In many cases, once couples begin applying these skills consistently, more than half of the therapeutic work is already underway.

But here is the distinction that matters. While conflict itself is expected, high conflict is something different. High conflict relationships are not defined by how often couples disagree, but by how conflict behaves inside the relationship—how it lingers, escalates, erodes safety, and reshapes the emotional climate over time.

As a Gottman-trained practitioner, I often remind couples that research by John Gottman shows that roughly 69% of problems in relationships are perpetual (Gottman and Gottman). These are ongoing differences rooted in personality, values, or life experiences. They are not meant to be “solved” but managed with care. When couples lack the skills to manage these perpetual problems, conflict becomes chronic, emotionally expensive, and destabilizing. That is where many relationships quietly cross into high-conflict territory.

I am often asked two questions: What makes a couple high conflict? And what qualifies a therapist to work with high-conflict couples? The answers to both are intertwined. High-conflict work requires specialized training, a deep understanding of emotional escalation, and an ability to restore safety before problem-solving ever begins. My advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), with its emphasis on de-escalation and attachment security, along with my doctoral studies in Conflict Resolution and Analysis, informs how I approach this work—with precision, patience, and respect for the nervous systems in the room.

Below are five signs your relationship may fall into the high-conflict category:

1. Conflict feels ongoing and emotionally draining. Disagreements do not resolve or soften with time. Instead, they leave behind resentment, emotional exhaustion, and a growing sense of disconnection. You may feel as though every conversation reopens old wounds, and even neutral moments carry tension beneath the surface.

2. Conflict shakes the foundation of the relationship. High-conflict dynamics often involve boundary violations that strike at the core of trust and safety. This can include infidelity, emotional or physical abuse, chronic deception, or patterns of behavior that undermine the integrity of the relationship itself. These conflicts are not just disagreements; they are ruptures that alter how partners experience one another.

3. The conflict makes separation feel easier than resolution. You may find yourself thinking that divorce or ending the relationship would be less painful than continuing to confront the conflict. This does not require shouting, chaos, or visible hostility. In fact, silence is often the loudest indicator. Emotional withdrawal, parallel lives, and unresolved tension can signal that conflict has overtaken the relationship’s emotional center.

4. Even simple conversations are hijacked by big emotions. The emotions themselves are not the problem. The issue is unregulated emotion, which removes safety from the room. When conversations escalate quickly—or are avoided entirely—partners become unwilling to engage in necessary, time-sensitive, or intimate discussions. Without safety, collaboration collapses.

5. The Four Horsemen are present. When criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling become regular features of interaction, the relationship is operating in a high-conflict pattern. These dynamics do not appear overnight. They develop when conflict remains unmanaged and emotional injuries go unaddressed.

When to Seek a High-Conflict Specialist

High-conflict couples benefit from working with a therapist trained not just in communication skills, but in de-escalation, attachment repair, and conflict systems. This work requires slowing interactions down, restoring emotional safety, nervous system regulation, and helping partners understand how conflict functions between them—not simply what they are fighting about.

If you recognize your relationship in these patterns, seeking specialized support is not a failure. It is an act of preservation of the relationship, of emotional wellbeing, and of the possibility for meaningful repair.

In a high-conflict couples therapist? Book a Free consultation with Sileta Bell here.

About the Author

Sileta Bell is a practicing Couples Therapist and the founder of Bell Family Therapy. She holds advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and specializes in working with high-conflict couples navigating chronic conflict, trust ruptures, and relationship instability.

Sileta is currently a PhD student in Conflict Resolution and Analysis, where her research focuses on interpersonal conflict and relational systems. Her clinical work integrates evidence-based therapy, conflict theory, and de-escalation strategies to help couples rebuild safety, clarity, and connection.